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x-posted in my journal [22 Apr 2004|08:27pm]

[ mood | blank ]

I wrote a lot tonight. I'm pretty sure my writers block is gone. Nothing worth posting though. A lot of things need to be discussed..with one person imparticular. I feel as if I'm falling deeper and deeper into this big pile of shit. As soon as I seem to get control over one thing, another issue appears and it's there for me to deal with. My selfish ways have led me to believe that I am the only one being affected by this crap. I know my whole family has to deal with it. Right now the only thing I want to do is go lay outside on the ground. Without a blanket, but just as I am now. In my too expensive American Eagle pajama pants and the sweatshirt I've been living in this week. I want it to be warmer outside so I could actually enjoy the night. The windows are still open, and from time to time I can feel a cold breeze brush against my feet. The tv was left on. I see the lights from behind me, flashing on the wall behind the computer. I'm ignoring it. I'm ignoring the sounds in the kitchen. Someone left the faucet running and the refridgerator sort of hums. After saying all this, I really see no point in going into detail about the events that occured tonight. But I have never before in my life read a book like that and actually felt like I was a part of it. I have never read a book and felt like I wanted to be a part of it. That maybe, that story was just a little more interesting and leading up to a happy ending. I know it. I don't know what I'm rambling on about though. Sometimes I want to not take things so seriously and laugh. Sometimes I wonder why I even put myself into these situations where I can get hurt. With all that's happening I just want to run away. To another state and start a new life where no one would know me. The only thing is, my family is so scattered about...where ever I went, it's likely they'd find me. I'm lacking the money for this sort of adventure, and also about 8 and a half months. I think about just getting away from it all and how nice it would be. Right now is the perfect time of day. No one is awake in this house except for me, and that's how I would like it all the time. With no one to say anything to me. I wish I could be silent for the rest of my life. Not have to talk to anyone and communicate through pencils and paper. People talk too much anyways. I don't feel like my anxiety is an issue right now, and even though I've been insisting that I don't have "depression", I'm starting to think otherwise. Maybe it's just today. I don't want to make a big deal out of something when it's not. And I just want to know, if you feel this way too. No I'm not high. I'm not drunk, and I haven't taken any of my medication. Maybe that's the problem. I'm rambling on about nothing. Whatever comes to mind, and for once this doesn't feel like a pointless entry. I'm cautious to let you read it. I'm cautious to trust my doctor. It will take time I guess, to get me to trust him enough, so I'll be able to tell him every little secret. The secrets you think you know but I hide so well. The secrets I let you know. I tell my friends certain things, knowing that I'll get a certain reaction. It's that simple. Some of you know some things, and the others know other things. You don't all know everything.
I've been meaning to ask my doctor this question. Because it's been running through my mind for so long and I can't seem to find an answer on my own. What are you supposed to do when the people you live with are the ones you are fighting with, you're banned from pretty much the only contact you have with the outside world, and to make a phone call would mean getting in serious trouble when the phone bill finally arrived. What am I supposed to do when I feel so helpless and you tell me nothing. You can tell me what not to do, but when it comes to telling me what to do you seem to stop. Because you don't know either.
My eyes are burning and my arm feels how I want my whole body to feel. Numb.

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x-posted in my journal [15 Apr 2004|09:33pm]

[ mood | sleepy ]

it was a friday. i am sure. freshman year. i was in california. i woke up that morning and felt around the bed. travis was still a puppy and i made sure he had no crapped in my bed like previous times before. he had slept in my bed that night. he slept so close. and i was pleased when i found no mess.

i was starting a ritual. wake up, take travis outside with the other dogs, shower, let dogs in, finish getting ready.

i lifted travis from the bed and i honestly felt as if he was a baby. obviously still half asleep, his head rested gently on my shoulder and i carried him downstairs. with a little push he managed to walk outside. the other dogs were already out there. i closed the door and went back upstairs.

that morning my stepmom was to take me to school. my dad had plans to go camping. after i finished getting ready i came downstairs. i saw my dad on the couch watching animal planet. travis was curled up in a blanket right next to him. i said goodbye to my dad and in one of my most girliest mommy voices, said to travis: "Bye honey, mommy loves you." and kissed him on his head.

The school day is blank to me.

i walked home that day feeling happier than i had for awhile. i was content. i took my time walking home, which was unlike me. i am a fast walker. i got to my house and entered the garage code. walked inside. turned off the alarm and took my time to place my bag upstairs instead of just throwing it anywhere. the dogs, seeing that i had gotten home, were scratching impatiently at the door. i unlatched the lock and pulled open the glass door. the two dogs scampered in as i looked around to see where the other had gone. it was unlike travis to not be there. so i called his name. i walked through the back yard, not paying attention to anything but finding my dog. as i searched behind the wood pile and looked to see if there were any holes dug, my mind began to imagine the worst.

i went back inside and called my dad on his cell phone. i asked him if he had taken travis with him camping. he said no. i told him that i thought someone stole travis. he said, Stephanie he just probably got out of the backyard somehow. If he's smart he'll find his way back. I ended the conversation feeling even worse.

I telephoned Holly and let her know what was going on. Nothing seemed like a big deal. Again, I searched through the whole yard, by the wood pile, and looked for holes. I was walking towards the door when out of the corner of my eye I noticed it. I didn't think it could be possible though. So I slowly walked over to the pool and lifted up the area in which there seemed to be a big bubble. I was relieved to find nothing. It's what I was hoping for. On the phone with Holly I must have been rambling on about this. It's unlikely either of us were really paying attention to what the other was saying.

I dropped the pool cover back down and stood up. With the phone in my hand I looked to the other side of the in ground pool, which had some sort of bubble underneath the cover. I walked over, again, not actually believing it would be possible. It wasn't. I lifted the cover to find nothing. My anxiety had almost completely vanquished at that moment. If Travis wasn't dead, then atleast he was still out there somewhere and I could find him.

The worst thing that could probably happen. I saw another bubble. The anxiety immediatly came back. I walked over to the opposite side of the pool. With the phone in one hand, and my other reaching out towards the pool cover, I reached down and grabbed the blue plastic material. I lifted it up and all at once it was like reality had become anything but. i was in a movie, a book..something. i dropped the phone. still unaware if i turned it off then or after. but i screamed. a scream that you wouldn't expect to come out of a regular mouth. one of those scary movie screams. i lifted travis out of the water and laid him on the cracked cement surrounding the pool. the phone rang but it did not occur to me to answer it.

i reacted as anyone may have. i went through a quick case of denial. not actually believing he was dead. i heard someone call from across the fence and ask if everything was okay. i dont believe i answered. i picked up travis and drenched my shirt with pool water. i picked up the phone and ran inside. i laid travis on the floor and watched him. i tried to believe he was still alive and moved his paws.

i picked up the phone and dialed my dad's cell phone number. he answered and i was sobbing so hard he had to tell me to calm down and tell him what was wrong. i told him travis was dead. i believe what he said was, Oh Stephanie I'm sorry.........Don't worry sweetheart. We'll get you another dog.

Still in my state of shock, I wasn't quite sure I was hearing my father correctly. The phone conversation didnt last too long.

I ran to the bathroom and got a towel. I wrapped Travis up and held him in my lap. I don't know for how long, but soon after laid him on the floor beside me. I called my mom. Between the sniffling and tears i managed to get the story out. I told her what he looked like and she said that he was dead. She told me to put him outside and cover him with a towel. I placed the phone down on the living room table and picked up Travis. I opened the sliding glass door and walked out on the cement. Placing travis gently on the ground. After a lot of crying and tearful goodbyes I placed the towel over him and walked back inside.

I picked up the phone to talk with my mom who was still on the line. As I sat on the couch I could see Travis' towel covered body lying there. I watched as the wind blew the towel from time to time and I even jumped up, having a little bit more of hope inside of me.

I heard the garage door open and told my mom I had to go because Debbie was home and I didn't want to get in trouble for calling long distance. I hung up with my mom and wiped my tears as best as I could. I caught my breath. Debbie walked in and I'm not sure what I told her. I can't remember if my dad had called her or if I just gave her a brief description of what had happened.

But I walked up to my room. I pushed my bag aside and opened the blindes in my window. I watched as Debbie used that black garbage bag and I finally closed the blindes.

Soon there after I walked down stairs and Debbie asked me if I wanted to go to Chillis for Dinner. I said sure. We went to Chillis and didnt talk much. I had lots of lemonade. Neither of us said much about Travis. I held back my tears, when all I really wanted to do was cry.

I couldn't sleep that night, and I never thought there'd be any chance of me getting in that pool again. I'm still cautious of that one side, and when i get near it I am quick to swim away.

I was sitting in bed tonight thinking about this. Too tired to do work, but not tired enough to sleep. I got on the computer and wrote every last detail about that day. Because I remember little things about that day and I think that's odd. Some nights when this is brought up I find it hard to sleep. Every time the thoughts enter my head I have such a difficult time getting them out.

I guess I just needed to get the whole story out.

maybe now i can sleep...for tonight anyways.

<3 stephanie

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[13 Apr 2004|06:27am]

[ mood | depressed ]

im so fucking sick of it all.
fucking sick of having to explain my situation to every person at my school.
it gets frustrating and makes me want to do nothing more than drop out. if im not going to pass this year then why the fuck am i still going? why the fuck do i even bother? chances are i wont be graduating early in january. this day just sucks. hey, every day sucks. fuck it.

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[10 Apr 2004|07:32pm]

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[10 Apr 2004|03:25pm]

[ mood | creative ]

I just made a new rating community: color_me_purty



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[10 Apr 2004|07:31am]

[ mood | sleepy ]

I think I've finally found a therapist that I'm happy with. It's just the way he does things. He makes me think. And is really really nice. A couple of things erk me but I am trying to let them go, because I dont think it's anything really serious. Ah...well, this is me finally being happy with my therapist. <3

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[07 Apr 2004|01:44am]

[ mood | unsure ]

Hi. my rl is Danielle, here on lj i'm Phionna.

I'm not really good with intro posts. Feel free to read my journal, and add me if you wish.. my entries tend to be a bit all over the place..

Thought I'd post some stuff from my journal from tonight.

thoughts on my healthCollapse )

thoughts from my mindCollapse )

what's behind the links is pretty long, and the second section is from a private entry.

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[05 Apr 2004|06:13pm]

[ mood | tired ]

on friday i have an appointment to go see this therapist that i've only seen once before. i requested a guy this time because i find that girls can be quite dramatic. when i talked to this guy it seemed like he was very perseptive but he wasnt trying to judge or label me, because he had just met me. It was also nice to not get the feeling that he was being fake. Whenever i go to see a lot of therapists, it just seems like they pretend to be interested in what you say and sympathize with you. they always say they understand, and they really dont. this guy was different. he mentioned something about me having a lot of anger towards my mom and i just shook my head because i didnt think it was true. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized how much my mom has hurt me, and even though i love her more than anything, i still hold this grudge against her. it was just kind of cool that he saw that. he didnt ask the typical questions. just questions that made me think. i was thinking mostly about what he would get from my answers. but anyways, i felt like posting.

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[05 Apr 2004|06:29pm]

I was thinking about my anxieties, and i don't really have many of them. But one big one has to do with mail. I hate opening mail. It stresses me out a lot. This is because I know that the only people (usually) who send me mail are people who want money from me (i.e. bills), or sending me more information that i ahve to process in order to intelligently run my life (like loads of information about the details of my credit card, crap like taht). A collary to this anxiety is my unwillingness to deal with my health insurance and the clinic I go to. After going through my mail I discovered that they say I owe some 600+ dollars.. I thought my health insurance covered basically everythign. So I have to figure out what to do about that.. and I am absolutely dreading it. I don't want anythign to do with it. The thought of it stresses me out a lot. It's not even that it's a huge sum of money, it's that I have to fight with an insurance company. I swear, I should just do away with health insurance. It's not worth the hassle. I'd rather just get sick and die. (well probably not really, but god this is stressful.)

but my anxiety seems to go beyond what is normal, and i don't know why that is. I can't stem it back to any childhood experiences or anythign like that. It might jsut be that I hate dealing with anythign complicated, and wish that life was simple.
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[05 Apr 2004|03:23pm]

Oh, and may I just also say that I think the community layout is lovely!?
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[05 Apr 2004|11:51am]

[ mood | sleepy ]

I made this community because I suffer from this anxiety and I guess it would be a little bit more comforting to hear about other people and their problems. Even if your problems have nothing to do with mental heath, please feel free to post. <3

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